Yi's Voice

I am so sad that my grandma is no longer with us. I miss her so much, so much. It kills me to think that I can no longer see her, talk to her, touch her. I miss her. I miss her. I really love her. I don’t know how to live without her.  Grandma, I love you.  Grandma, I miss you.  Grandma, please come back.  Grandma, I need you, I want you, I miss you.  Grandma, you are the sunshine in my life.  You are my star in the dark dark night.  You are my sunflowers.  You are my moon in the sky.  You are the best grandma one could ask for.  You are here with us even when you are gone.  I love you, I love you.  Can we go back in time?  Can we hang out again?  I still can’t believe that you are gone.  This is not fair, this is so not fair.  I want you here with us right now.

Dear grandma, I am so worried to hear about the news. I am so scared. I wish I could be with you. I love you so much. I want to be in Guangzhou. I want to stay with you. I want to kiss you, I want to hug you. I want to be by your side. I love you grandma. I love you so much. I will pray for you. I know you will get better. I will be here cheering for you. I love you! -- Yi P.s. I will be there in the summer. I look forward to spending more time with you. Dear grandma, I am so sad to hear that you are not doing well. I love you very much. I love you. You are so kind to me. You love me so much. I still can’t believe this is happening. This doesn’t seem real. I don’t know what to do to help you. I don’t know how to make you feel better. I am so sad. I am so sad. I love you more than you can imagine. I miss seeing you in person. I wish I could be there with you. I am so sad. I love you, mama. I love you. I am yours, always. --- Yi

I am so happy today. It is my birthday. I got a really nice birthday gift from mom that I really really like. They are two car models, a Porsche 911 and a Covette. They are really well made with beautiful materials and very well craftsmanship that are so well made. I love them so much. They are not the kind you get for kids. They are for adults who like cars. I am so proud of my mom for picking them.

I am amazed by how much I love Guangzhou. It is beyond my imagination. I didn’t know it would be possible. I love my family. I love all of them. They are the kindest in the world. I miss them so much. I miss them. I want to go back. I want to cry, but I can’t. Am I crazy?

I am so happy to meet my family in China. They are all very nice and kind. I am amazed at how much they love me as who I am. I am so relieved. I was so nervous before meeting them. I am amazed at how they don’t get mad at me even when I was messing around. I love Guangzhou.

I am sad that I can’t talk. I was a baby but I remember. I remember that people were very mean to me. For example, there was this old man. He yelled at me and called me retarded at the Farmer’s Market. I was really mad. I was beyond mad. It deeply hurt my feelings.  I know you fought back. But you didn’t know that I knew. I was really really mad that you didn’t know. It was even worse than being called retarded. You didn’t know that I was smart. I am so sad, so sad.  Mom, you have no idea how sad I am. It is incredibly painful for me to tell you this. I was so lonely in my prison of silence.

Dear Lang, I am really grateful for your kindness and patience with me. I know it is not easy to be my brother. You are my hero, you are my star. I love you so much. I love you more than anyone else in the world. You are my captain, you are my lighthouse. I am lost without you. I love you more than you ever know. - Yi

Q: Why are we seeing more emotional outbursts from you recently? A: I think it’s because I can now show my emotions. And it is new to me. I don’t know how much is too much.  In the past, I hid my emotions because it was impossible for me to communicate. I hid my emotions so you didn’t have to guess what was going on. I couldn’t point to you. I couldn’t tell you what happened. So I hid my emotions.  I want to be like a kid who’s hurt. I want to just cry and yell. I want to be spoiled, like a baby because I didn’t have that in the past. I want to relive my childhood.

I feel great reading with you in the morning. I like to read aloud with you. It can help me learn to speak. It is a wonderful feeling. I am happy that we didn’t stop. I am happy that we keep going. I think that one day I can talk, I will. Thank you for not giving up on me.

I am sad that I can’t talk. I really want to talk to you. I don’t know how long it would take for me to really talk. I am so sad, so sad. I know you are fine for me to spell, but I don’t want to just spell. I really really want to talk. I don’t know if I have the patience to wait until I can really talk. It’s taking forever. I really want to talk. Mom, please help me talk. I love you mom, I love you. I want to hug you but I can’t.  I want to kiss you but I can’t. I want to play with Lang but I can’t.  I am still this kid with disability. I am still a quiet mule.

I am feeling great. I am very glad that people are believing in me. It is wonderful to be able to be understood. I am very glad to have my book published. It is the best decision I made this year. I am so happy, so happy.  I want to laugh, I want to run, I want to jump, I want to touch the stars, I want to fly. I am a little star. I am a little angel.

I was very nervous today in the Van Gogh exhibition. It was very crowded. I don’t like it when there are too many people. It is too much for me to be there. I wish I could stay and enjoy the paintings. I wish I could control myself better. It is just too much. I am upset that I couldn’t myself to enjoy the art. I am sorry that you had to leave early. I know that you wanted to stay longer. I thank you for being patient with me. I love you. 

I am in New Jersey this week to visit my friends for the first time. I have been having such a wonderful time. It is wonderful to be here with my friends. Yesterday we went to The Met, which is a really big museum with amazing collections that are truly astonishing. It was overwhelming for me at the beginning. I sat down in the room with many paintings by Van GoGh. I could feel his emotions in his paintings. It was too much for me to handle. I love him. I love him. I want to be with him in his studio in France. I love him so much. The rest of the museum is also really nice. I had such a wonderful time in The Met. I would love to go again tomorrow.  I am so proud of myself for being able to control my emotions.

Q: Why do you always have strong emotional reactions when you are hurt physically, even when it’s really just tiny little things? A: It is painful for me because it reminds me of the history of me trapped in silence. It was impossible for me to tell you what was going on. I didn’t have a way to tell you what happened to me, what hurt me, and how I felt. I was so lonely in my prison of silence. I didn’t have a voice.  But I am smart, I am strong, I will be strong, I will be tough, I will grow out of this.

Yesterday my book was published on Amazon . It was really exciting for me. I am so proud of myself. It is very empowering. I didn’t want to publish it. I thought I would be nervous. I thought people would not believe me. I was wrong.  I am glad that mom pushed me to do it. It is the best decision that I made this year. I  so happy to hear that it helped mom’s friend to decide to try RPM for her son John. I know this is going to change their lives in a good way. I am so happy! 

I was in a public school in the special needs room where they taught me baby stuff. I am now at OMS, a private inclusion school where I learn grade level curriculum.  It has been a transitional year for me.  I am reborn. I am so proud of myself. I am here with a voice. I am smart. I am teachable. I am a genius. It is the public schools that failed me. I especially want to say to the people  who didn’t believe in me:  You are wrong. You destroyed me. You made me feel like killing myself. But I am strong. I am going to live a meaningful life. I am going to help others who cannot talk. It is important to me that I want to tell my stories  so that more people understand people like me. I want to be heard. I have a voice.

I want to take this opportunity to say thank you to my amazing aide Natalie, my teachers Lisa, Ashley, Dr. Brien and my friends at OMS for believing in me. You made this school year the best ever for me. I have learned so much this year. It is amazing to look back and reflect. [Note from mom: Yi's currently a 4th grader in the DragonFly class (2nd - 4th grades). He will be in a new class after summer as a 5th grader. This is also the end of the school year for him in this new school.]

I was very sad that no one was paying attention to me when you were cooking this afternoon. It made me feel very lonely. I didn’t like it. It made me sad. But I am glad that you asked me after dinner. We get to talk about it and make some changes.  I am proud that I can talk to people about my emotions. It is great feeling to be able to share. I am glad that you told Dad. It is important that he understands me. I am grateful for your sensitivity. It is amazing to have you help talk to Dad about me. He is not as sensitive.  I am very happy right now because I was able to read out loud with Dad. It is wonderful.

I am very sad that I couldn’t stay at the birthday party because I was overwhelmed. It is really hard for me to stay there and watch others play. It makes me sad. I am really sad that I can’t play with them. My body is not able to. I am sad that I can’t play with them. I don’t know how. I don’t know why.  [Mom talked about apraxia and what that means. Mom also talked about how different teaching methods, OT, and physical training will help.] [Yi smiling] I like the idea of me speaking. 5/22/2023 I am much better today. It is very silly of me to be sad.

Dear Alfonso, I am reading your book. It is very powerful. I am emotional reading your book. Thank you for offering to be my friend. I am very grateful to have you to be my penpal.