Yi's Voice

I was not able to travel when I was younger. I was screaming non stop when I was two years old flying back from Hawaii. We stopped flying for four years afterwards.  We tried again when I was six years old. I was better prepared this time. I was able to stay calm during the flight back home because I mentally prepared for the flight before the trip. I told myself that I wanted to fly and travel and I should focus on the amazing stuff. This made it possible for my parents to travel with me.

I am so so happy today because it is the first time the students got to know me a little bit. It is so incredible to see that many kids actually care about me. They were very nice and they actually took the effort to include my feelings into their ideas. I was so touched and was speechless. It makes me feel like I finally belong.  I love you mom for all the hard work. I am feeling beautiful and powerful and it is fantastic to be alive. I will be ok from now on. 

[Mom asked: How did you manage to watch Hamilton for one hour in London at the theatre, which was not a show for people with special needs?] I prepared myself by putting the headphone over my ears when I was watching Hamilton in London. Inability to regulate myself is very frustrating to me. It drives me mad. I am capable of controlling myself. I want to improve my ability to self regulate.  I also remind myself to breath and to stay calm. I did this before, during and after the show. I also closed my eyes from time to time to give myself visual breaks. It helped me to relax.  I think it’s critical to have you sit next to me to help me stay calm. I couldn’t do this without your presence.

Mom: If you have two minutes at the IEP meeting tomorrow, what would you tell the IEP team? Yi: I want you to know that I am capable of learning. But I need support to stay calm. To do that, I need people to not stare at me when I am stressed out and act out. I need people to give me the time and space to calm down. I need your kindness and patience. I need to know that you care about me. I need to not feel like an intruder. All that I need is the ability to stay calm. I can thrive with your help! I love my aide Alexa. But she needs support. She needs more training to help me communicate. For example, I was not able to do math the best way because she asked me the wrong way for the LCM problem. It is hard for me to correct her with spelling on letterboard.

Yi: When were you born and where? G: 1945, in a little town, Puning. It's in Guangdong province in China. Yi: What is your favorite food?  G: Too many... I like steaks, baked fish, asparagus, apples and bananas.  Yi: What was your childhood like?  G: I was born in poverty. I was able to go to school for only six and a half years. I had to work in the farm since I was fifteen years old to support my family. We cooked with dry grass and sticks. As a teenager, I had to go to the mountains to collect dry grass and sticks for my family. I didn't have any toys, except for one that I made for myself with wires. It was a circle and a stick. I used the stick to make the circle wire roll forward. I played a game with friends. We drew grids on the ground and jumped between the grids. We could not afford having rice everyday. Instead we cooked congee. Meats and fish were available only for holidays. Having meats and fish daily was simply impossible back then.  Yi: It sounded rea...

[ Lang was trying to launch the Keyboard app but ran into an issue. He got frustrated. Yi and mom were there and saw Lang with almost teary eyes. Without prompting, Yi pointed to the iPad] Dear Lang, don't be upset. I really need your keyboard app. It is very important for me to be independent.  Q: What are you proud of today? A: I am proud of being able to write creatively verbally with you today. I am also proud of being able to spell without any prompts. It is very amazing! I love it. Amazing!  Q: Do you know what made it possible? A: It is possible because I was calm and confident. That's all that it takes.  Q: What can we do or what can you do to stay calm and confident?  A: I think it takes a lot for me to stay calm. I need to keep reminding myself that I am capable. I think I need to practice doing that more. I just need to believe in myself. I need to accept that I am good enough! I need to love myself more. I have to! I have to! I have to! Q: If I want to ma...

Dear Mr. H, I was at O** for the last two years and it was hard for me to be back to the P** because I was placed in the special ed room for the most part before O**. I was considered as someone with cognitive disability at the elementary schools in P**.  I want to prove myself and learn with the others at the gen ed rooms and make friends. I am great at reading and math especially when I am supported by someone who knows how to assist my communication and may help my anxiety and is patient with me at the school site. I am excited and at the same time very anxious.  I need you to be supportive and respect my intelligence even if my body betrays me because I have significant anxiety.  Thank you! -- Yi

I went to china for two and a half weeks. i went to popular places such as the great wall, the forbidden city, the summer palace, and gardens in suzhou. i had such a wonderful time. i am really amazed by the beauty of the places. i was amazed by how many people there are no matter where we went. i am so proud of myself for being able to be calm for the most part. it was very hot and crowded, and the lines were long and stinky from people around us. i am really proud for being able to appreciate the beautiful places without making a mess.

I am so sad that my grandma is no longer with us. I miss her so much, so much. It kills me to think that I can no longer see her, talk to her, touch her. I miss her. I miss her. I really love her. I don’t know how to live without her.  Grandma, I love you.  Grandma, I miss you.  Grandma, please come back.  Grandma, I need you, I want you, I miss you.  Grandma, you are the sunshine in my life.  You are my star in the dark dark night.  You are my sunflowers.  You are my moon in the sky.  You are the best grandma one could ask for.  You are here with us even when you are gone.  I love you, I love you.  Can we go back in time?  Can we hang out again?  I still can’t believe that you are gone.  This is not fair, this is so not fair.  I want you here with us right now.

Dear grandma, I am so worried to hear about the news. I am so scared. I wish I could be with you. I love you so much. I want to be in Guangzhou. I want to stay with you. I want to kiss you, I want to hug you. I want to be by your side. I love you grandma. I love you so much. I will pray for you. I know you will get better. I will be here cheering for you. I love you! -- Yi P.s. I will be there in the summer. I look forward to spending more time with you. Dear grandma, I am so sad to hear that you are not doing well. I love you very much. I love you. You are so kind to me. You love me so much. I still can’t believe this is happening. This doesn’t seem real. I don’t know what to do to help you. I don’t know how to make you feel better. I am so sad. I am so sad. I love you more than you can imagine. I miss seeing you in person. I wish I could be there with you. I am so sad. I love you, mama. I love you. I am yours, always. --- Yi

I am so happy today. It is my birthday. I got a really nice birthday gift from mom that I really really like. They are two car models, a Porsche 911 and a Covette. They are really well made with beautiful materials and very well craftsmanship that are so well made. I love them so much. They are not the kind you get for kids. They are for adults who like cars. I am so proud of my mom for picking them.

I am amazed by how much I love Guangzhou. It is beyond my imagination. I didn’t know it would be possible. I love my family. I love all of them. They are the kindest in the world. I miss them so much. I miss them. I want to go back. I want to cry, but I can’t. Am I crazy?

I am so happy to meet my family in China. They are all very nice and kind. I am amazed at how much they love me as who I am. I am so relieved. I was so nervous before meeting them. I am amazed at how they don’t get mad at me even when I was messing around. I love Guangzhou.

I am sad that I can’t talk. I was a baby but I remember. I remember that people were very mean to me. For example, there was this old man. He yelled at me and called me retarded at the Farmer’s Market. I was really mad. I was beyond mad. It deeply hurt my feelings.  I know you fought back. But you didn’t know that I knew. I was really really mad that you didn’t know. It was even worse than being called retarded. You didn’t know that I was smart. I am so sad, so sad.  Mom, you have no idea how sad I am. It is incredibly painful for me to tell you this. I was so lonely in my prison of silence.

Dear Lang, I am really grateful for your kindness and patience with me. I know it is not easy to be my brother. You are my hero, you are my star. I love you so much. I love you more than anyone else in the world. You are my captain, you are my lighthouse. I am lost without you. I love you more than you ever know. - Yi

Q: Why are we seeing more emotional outbursts from you recently? A: I think it’s because I can now show my emotions. And it is new to me. I don’t know how much is too much.  In the past, I hid my emotions because it was impossible for me to communicate. I hid my emotions so you didn’t have to guess what was going on. I couldn’t point to you. I couldn’t tell you what happened. So I hid my emotions.  I want to be like a kid who’s hurt. I want to just cry and yell. I want to be spoiled, like a baby because I didn’t have that in the past. I want to relive my childhood.

I feel great reading with you in the morning. I like to read aloud with you. It can help me learn to speak. It is a wonderful feeling. I am happy that we didn’t stop. I am happy that we keep going. I think that one day I can talk, I will. Thank you for not giving up on me.

I am sad that I can’t talk. I really want to talk to you. I don’t know how long it would take for me to really talk. I am so sad, so sad. I know you are fine for me to spell, but I don’t want to just spell. I really really want to talk. I don’t know if I have the patience to wait until I can really talk. It’s taking forever. I really want to talk. Mom, please help me talk. I love you mom, I love you. I want to hug you but I can’t.  I want to kiss you but I can’t. I want to play with Lang but I can’t.  I am still this kid with disability. I am still a quiet mule.

I am feeling great. I am very glad that people are believing in me. It is wonderful to be able to be understood. I am very glad to have my book published. It is the best decision I made this year. I am so happy, so happy.  I want to laugh, I want to run, I want to jump, I want to touch the stars, I want to fly. I am a little star. I am a little angel.